The Lady Hooligan’s Page

I have come to the conclusion that it may be my fate to remain single, after all. Not by conscious choice, but because it happens to be the way things are ordained to be. Always the Other, never the One…

I’m tired of putting up a smiley face whenever people ask me how I am. I’m tired of telling them “I’m fine, thanks!” when I feel shattered inside. And I’m tired of being nice, when I feel like taking a hatchet to someone. I’m tired of hurting, but I’m even more drained by the knowledge that I have no-one to share that hurt with, that my life is filled with people who don’t notce the one who sits in the corner, crying her heart out.

I did something reckless last weekend, took a massive gamble. Either way the dice falls, it would be the answer to a question and a signpost to the rest of my life. Neither way would be bad. All it means is that decisions will have to be made, goalposts moved and priorities shifted. We’ll see.

I’m tired…

They say the best way to get rid of emotional exhaustion is by hard, physical work.  And that one dares not be spiritually exhausted, because then you’re damned to hell!

Well, I’ve reached a point now where loneliness is my constant companion and I feel so empty inside that I don’t think I’ll ever be full again.  Very depressing, even for a Friday afternoon.

I have caught myself on more than one occasion that I am selling myself short and I know I should stop.  I’m actually a person with a lot going for me. I’m nice (well, mostly…), intelligent, creative and rather pretty… It’s just that I haven’t met Mr Right-for-Me yet!

I’m looking at property to buy.  A plot in Port Nolloth, on the West Coast, less than 100 km south of the Namibian border.  It’ll be affordable, albeit very out of the way, and I might even find peace in the solitude of the place.  You never know…

If there’s one thing I can’t handle, it’s being clumsy. I’ve always been the one to break things and trip over stuff (sometimes my own feet!) and if someone messes up big time somewhere, it’s usually yours charmingly!

All my life, I have yearned to be tall and beautiful and elegant and do the right things the right way, never offending anyone or breaking anything or messing up in any way. I’ve always wanted to neat and tidy and - well - perfect, like the people you see on TV.

Instead, I’m the one with coffee stains on my white cotton top, who breaks expensive mixing bowls with chocolate cake batter in them all over the floor, and who has to mop up and wipe up countless spills a week. My hair is in all directions on a GOOD hair day and I never seem to be able to say the right thing to anyone.

And then I wonder why I’m still single…

Ps.  It’s later, and I feel better now.  Who knows, maybe there are some men who DON’T want perfect, elegant, women in their lives…  In that case, you know where to find me!