The Lady Hooligan’s Page

I’m running solo. No, it’s not by choice. If I had my way, I’d be married by now, with at least 3 little rugrats to keep me on my toes. Being on my own is simply the way my life turned out, the consequence of choices made in the past.

Yes, it does get to me. I get extremely lonely and I’d love to have someone to talk to - to bounce ideas off… and dreams… and to set goals together… and work towards getting those goals done! Right now, all I feel is pain, especially when I look at other people who are coupled up.

Let’s be positive. It’ll change. I must just keep faith, both in myself and in the society that I live in. There must be someone out there who can be both my roots and my wings, my throttle and my brake. That’s all I want - a solid partner. He’s out there.

Amen

In the 80’s here in South Africa, that was a catchphrase. It was supposed to be the opposite of being high on any other substance, especially those that society deemed unacceptable… However, I have realised that being high on life can be crazy, be fun and sometimes people even think you’re drunk! Rather ironic, since I rarely drink anything alcoholic!

Today was one of those crazy days. Yes, it was a Monday and it was also the Winter Solstice here in the sunny, extremely cold, south of Africa. But besides the weather, I just felt like celebrating. After all, I have food in my tummy, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, petrol in my car and a job to go to each morning, whether I feel like it or not! Besides, being a bit nuts really rubs off on others.

I don’t go around being a Polyanna. I know bad things happen to people. A woman burst into my library today in a state of terrible anger and bitterness because her car was stolen earlier this month and she lost her wallet with all her cards and other documents in the process. I knew what she felt like, because I had been stolen from before, myself! That doesn’t mean that I plan to go through life with a negative, bitter outlook! I don’t plan to be a racist, either! (I’m a spietkopsist, but that doesn’t count!)

Only downside to my day today was that I have to attend a meeting tomorrow morning. I’m going to go, but I’m putting it on record now that if it hasn’t started by 9:30, I’m going to leave. As it is, it’s going to take a lot of little voice management for me to be present… AND in the moment!

Goggo on a very wet autumn day...

• Have Goggo’s speedometer unit fixed! (Thursday, 10 June)
• Have the left front indicator light fixed!
• Have the carpeting in front stuck back!
• Fix the right back light! (superglue and screws)
• Clean out the car!
• Do a valet on him!
• Refix that little tweeter speaker.
• Buy and fit a new flag, or fix the one he’s flying now!
• Design a name - have it made up in vinyl and fixed.
• Call Hannes up: did he get the trim bits I need?
• Have them fixed
• Give him another bath, and vacuum inside!
• Spray some smelly stuff… Alternatively, have a bit of fabric softener in the air vent…
• Fill up, check the oil, check ALL 5 tyres, add brake fluid…
• Go to bed - remember the photographs for my scrapbook!

I have come to the conclusion that it may be my fate to remain single, after all. Not by conscious choice, but because it happens to be the way things are ordained to be. Always the Other, never the One…

I’m tired of putting up a smiley face whenever people ask me how I am. I’m tired of telling them “I’m fine, thanks!” when I feel shattered inside. And I’m tired of being nice, when I feel like taking a hatchet to someone. I’m tired of hurting, but I’m even more drained by the knowledge that I have no-one to share that hurt with, that my life is filled with people who don’t notce the one who sits in the corner, crying her heart out.

I did something reckless last weekend, took a massive gamble. Either way the dice falls, it would be the answer to a question and a signpost to the rest of my life. Neither way would be bad. All it means is that decisions will have to be made, goalposts moved and priorities shifted. We’ll see.