It’s almost spring, but this blocked nose, isn’t from the pollen of sweet-smelling flowers. Rather, it’s a side effect of having to live in one of the places in South Africa with the worst air pollution!  AND it hasn’t rained yet, so lots of dust in the air as well…  Should improve after the first rain… I hope…

I’ll ask my mom to get me some norephenedrine tablets…  My doc won’t be pleased, but it’ll stop MY frustration!

I have just realized that I’m on my own for more than 70% of the week! No wonder I’m slowly going crazy! (I’m not rich enough to be labeled “eccentric” - yet!)

I do need a cat. At least that’s someone to talk to who sometimes answers back! When he feels like it, obviously! I’ll get one first thing when I move into my new place. Maybe a Maine Coon. Maine Coons are cool. They eat miniature dobermann pinchers… <Evil Grin>

My sugardaddyperson and I visited the building site today. I just wanted to show him where the flat was going to be and how far the building process had progressed. He has never been at the site before, even though he helped me with a lot of legal paperwork regarding the purchasing of the apartment. And he’s very enthusiastic about the progress as well.

The official completion date is the end of October 2010. Let’s hold fums.

I wish I could take credit for those words, but to my knowledge they were first penned by Wilbur Smith in his novel A Sparrow Falls…  He used it to describe how big poachers become fired up for nature conservation, but I’ve seen it literally happen quite a few times already.  It is as if the worst fornicators become the most pious of preachers once they find religion.

And before I get crucified, I have no beef with Christianity or any other religion for that matter.  I am a Christian myself!  I just find it very interesting to watch this phenomenon and I always wonder how long it’ll take before the Bible verses stop…

I had to arrange for our 14 year old Ridgeback/Boerboel cross to be put down this morning.  It wasn’t fun.  Yes, Boela had cancer and we all knew it would just be a matter of time, but he took a very sudden turn for the worse last night.

It’s always bad when animal family pass on.  I’ll really miss him when I get home in the afternoons, as he was always first at the car, begging for sweeties.  And he could slobber you to death no problem!  We always had to look out for our clothes…

One of the requirements of the National Credit Act is that banks have to inform and train the public about how loans work and what their rights and responsibilities are in respect to those loans.  The result is that I had to attend a Home Loan workshop yesterday.

Yes, I was the “token pinky”, but one of quite a lot of women!  Seems like single women take on a lot of responsibility these days.

What this piece is all about, is a big, black man of about 50.  He was loud, obnoxious and he accused me of being racist and Apartheid-minded.  I’m neither.  (I’m spietkopsist, if anything!)  It was quite interesting that he also gave the facilitator a bit of mouth.  That is, until Mpai silenced him with some choice words.  He was going on about how he knew everything, because he was an estate agent for the past FOUR YEARS!  And then he demonstrated his ignorance in front of the whole group of about 25!  Ouch!

I am a firm believer that everything in life happens for a purpose.  The years I spent in my dad’s office came to good use yesterday, as I knew about most of the costs and what they were for.  I had my questions answered as well!  The ones I asked, as well as the ones I didn’t.

I’m waiting for the place to be built, now.  Concrete slab should be in place by next Friday! Yippppeeeeeeee!

World Cup 2010 is over!  The media touts it as a resounding success, but I reckon only time will tell whether it had any lasting positive effect or not.  I reckon it will have, as more people from more countries now know where South Africa IS and what we have to offer.

However, I’m a bit depressed at the moment.  It’s like when you were on a camp, and it was wonderful, but now it’s over…  There has to be a “What Next?” to look forward to!

So, my dear country, what’s next?

I’m running solo. No, it’s not by choice. If I had my way, I’d be married by now, with at least 3 little rugrats to keep me on my toes. Being on my own is simply the way my life turned out, the consequence of choices made in the past.

Yes, it does get to me. I get extremely lonely and I’d love to have someone to talk to - to bounce ideas off… and dreams… and to set goals together… and work towards getting those goals done! Right now, all I feel is pain, especially when I look at other people who are coupled up.

Let’s be positive. It’ll change. I must just keep faith, both in myself and in the society that I live in. There must be someone out there who can be both my roots and my wings, my throttle and my brake. That’s all I want - a solid partner. He’s out there.

Amen

I have come to the conclusion that it may be my fate to remain single, after all. Not by conscious choice, but because it happens to be the way things are ordained to be. Always the Other, never the One…

I’m tired of putting up a smiley face whenever people ask me how I am. I’m tired of telling them “I’m fine, thanks!” when I feel shattered inside. And I’m tired of being nice, when I feel like taking a hatchet to someone. I’m tired of hurting, but I’m even more drained by the knowledge that I have no-one to share that hurt with, that my life is filled with people who don’t notce the one who sits in the corner, crying her heart out.

I did something reckless last weekend, took a massive gamble. Either way the dice falls, it would be the answer to a question and a signpost to the rest of my life. Neither way would be bad. All it means is that decisions will have to be made, goalposts moved and priorities shifted. We’ll see.

Someone once said that hurting people hurt people. Maybe that’s true - I won’t know. I usually stay as far from other people as I possibly can when I feel really, really broken up. Like my favourite animal, I prefer to lick my wounds where no-one can find and bother me.

My tame shrink says that MY Mr Right is on his way from Alaska. On foot! In that case, someone better charter the man a plane - he might even be able to fly despite the volcano!

I’m just tired of being not-quite-good-enough. Tired of being a great friend. Tired of being “nice”. I’m fed up with being the shoulder everyone cries on, yet being left to bear MY heartache on my own. I want to be special to someone, too. I want to be the one who gets flowers and nice dinners and special treats and gifts. I want to be swept off my feet and seduced and made wild passionate love to. I want the whole wedding scene with the church and the flowers and the fancy dress and the “till death us do part”…

I’m just soooooo tired of being on my own. And the loneliness is finally getting to me. I wish I had someone special to share these feelings with. Someone in whose company I could give total voice to these sorry-for-myself feelings and who would hold me until I’ve cried myself out, and then tell me to get a grip on myself and get a life and be the best me I can be, because men are all jerks and who needs them anyway? They’re just good for one thing, after all… (OK, two, but I don’t need to open THAT many bottles..!)

Maybe I’ll arrange me a marriage. Could be interesting… Got everything in mind, anyway. Now all I need is a willing vict…groom!

And I feel better already!!!

When I left home with him this morning, I had already decided NOT to buy him the shoes he wanted.  After all, why should I use my money to buy him a pair of CAT shoes?  Can’t he be happy with a normal pair of sneakers, that he afforded himself?

I guess it would have been less of an issue had he simply said thanks for all the time, effort and money I spent in entertaining him as an uninvited guest for two nights.  And he got all huffy when I said he couldn’t smoke in my car any more.  PLUS his cigarette butts are still in the ashtray outside.  I agree with my mom on this one - as a smoker, the least courtesy he could have shown is to dispose of his own cigarette butts.

Good riddance of bad rubbish.  I do feel rather empty, but not because I had lost a friend by any means.  I feel angry at him for using me that way.  For once, trying not to turn the anger towards myself.  I don’t need that.

I just wish I could have had some support.  A hug would have been nice.